Perth Rocks, Telstra does not.

So the next day, I spent the morning relaxing and then I was off to the airport for an afternoon flight to Australia, specifically, I was going to Perth.

I was going to meet Geoff, from the Martialarts.about.com forums that so many of us frequented so very long ago. Oddly, he is one of very few people that I think of by first name, rather than alias (Goldenmane was what he went by in those days). At one point, when the shit was really hitting the fan in that place (and that long and epic saga is really quite remarkable) he was voted in as the interim Moderator, and wound up serving as guide on the site for a time.

Since it was his day off, we'd agreed that I'd just call him when I landed, and find out if he was at home, or elsewhere, and then get there by Taxi, as he was likely to be in no condition to drive by 10pm, when I had made it through immigration and baggage claim.

My assumption (HAHAHAHAHA) was that the Australian telco situation, being close to Asia, might be somewhat similar, and I could pick up a cheap sim card, top it up with five bucks, and call Geoff from my newly Australian cell phone.

In fact, this is categorically untrue.

So I get through customs and integration (where I'm treated with more suspicion, actually, than any of the other countries I've yet visited), and I head for the Vodaphone booth. It's just after 2100, and there have been adverts for Vodaphone traveler's services (rent a sim card!) throughout the airport, but the Vodaphone booth is completely empty. It's closed for the night.

Crap.

So I go upstairs to the shops, and find a newasgent's that has Telstra quick connect packs (SIM card, $30 credit, all in one package). They don't have anything less than $30, so I shrug and bear it. I'll probably be making a fair number of calls throughout the coming week so I figure it won't go entirely to waste.

I buy the package, sit down, install the sim, and attempt to call Geoff. Because it's already got $30 AU on it, it shouldn't need to be topped up, right?

No, instead it needs to be activated! Apparently there are some really bullshit telco laws in Australia that make it impossible to just buy a phone number, you have to register it and bind it to your personal information!

Well, crap. Ok, how do I activate this thing? I can call them! Great, the phone can make (free) calls to the Telstra system. By now it is 2200.

So I call the number, and it says "You can register online!" (I don't want to register online, the Perth airport is tragically behind the times and doesn't have free internet yet) "Or you can use our phone based registration system during normal business hours!"

(borrowing an expression I picked up from Geoff) "Fucking what?"

These people have zero 24 hour phone support. None.

I hang up, in disgust.

At this point, I can't really return the thing, and I still need to call Geoff and confirm he's at his place before I get a taxi down there.

So I wander until I find a kiosk of internet boxes (at $2 per 13 minutes, they're a ripoff, but whatever) and log in, navigate to Telstra's online service, and try to activate the damn number.

Of course, it requires you to provide Telstra with an address and phone number, and these. cannot. be. international. I try to enter my international address first, and it throws back an error.

Pardon my angry, angry French, but why the fuck do you sell a SIM card in an airport if not primarily to international travelers?

But of course it's probably tied to some bullshit telco law that the telcos no-doubt love, since it lets them jack around their customers (Moo!). So I have to try to make up an address and phone number, using Geoff's as a rough template.

Somehow, I've not got it believable enough (don't know the post code correctly, which is a problem apparently) and the system, after two additional attempts, decides that I CANNOT ACTIVATE THIS PHONE ONLINE.

So now, my "quick connect" package is completely dead in the water until the phone support center opens the next morning.

I fire off a thoroughly pissed off message to Geoff which is summed up roughly as "Hi, I'm on the ground, your phone system sucks, hope there is alcohol wherever you are" (I shouldn't have worried) "gonna try a payphone now." and logout of the internet terminal and head downstairs.

Since the payphones are also a Telstra product, I wonder if they will be working, since it's after business hours and who knows how competent these people are, but thankfully they come through and I get in touch with Geoff and get confirmation that he's home and waiting and that I have his address correctly written down.

In fact, making the situation even more pathetic, the following day when I called to activate the phone, I was to discover that it would take Telstra up to 24 hours to actually free up the number and assign it to me, once I'd gone through the activation process. "Quick connect" my ass.

Telstra will receive a very strongly worded letter from me once I return to the states.

Thankfully, there's a cab at the taxi queue and I hop in, bark the address as politely as possible and smoulder my way through the dark streets of Perth on a Thursday night. We roll up to Geoff's house around midnight, and I jump out, grab my bags, and pay the cabbie.

Geoff himself, (he's real!), threads (weaves might be a better word) his way between the cars parked in the drive and greets me at the curb.

He and an old mate from Uni (Ash) are catching up on the back patio, which explains the fourth car in the drive (the other three are Geoff's, Geoff's sister, with whom he splits the house, and Geoff's sister's partner, a very cool fellow named Peter that I'd meet the next day).

I get the ten-cent tour of the house, drop my gear in the spare bedroom, and we return to the back patio, which I discover is the designated spot for sitting around and drinking and talking on most nights.

Those of you that are longtime readers will remember Adrienne's hazy recollections of visiting my French family in the Alps. Hanging with Geoff is to prove pretty awesomely similar, minus the skiing and with different (but equally delectable) food. In the next couple of hours, we demolish a bottle of Whyte and Macay Scotch (damn decent stuff, by the way) between the three of us, and the conversation gets progressively more delightfully scattered and meandering until we succumb to exhaustion.

So it is that Geoff and Ash and I sit and make acquaintance and talk until almost three, when we finally surrender, since we'll need to be up the next day around 10:30 to clean up and head out, as we're doing Dim Sum for lunch with friends*.

*yes, friends includes Claire, another person I'm very excited to meet, but you'll hear about her tomorrow.